david got out of jail today. i was so happy to see him! and today was the 6th year anniversary of my daddy being dead. that kinda sucked... and i pulled a muscle in my back today and then had to work for 5 1/2 hours... that kinda sucked too. it hurts reeeeally bad. lol... but im surviving.

so tomorrow is definately gonna suck. david and lexie have been going out for 1 year and 5 months, and she loves him more than anything. well, lexie's in a "group home" right now to where she can only go to school, and then has to stay there every night, and shes there for the next 16 days. well, she cant have any contact with anybody what-so-ever except for the people in school. her and david go to separate schools... so yea. i have to be the one to tell her tomorrow that david no longer wants anything to do with her. how the hell do i always get dragged into the middle of these things? but i mean, i GOTS TA tell her because she's my best fwend.... and i mean, if i dont tell her, she'll eventually find out and she'll know that i knew all along and then she'll feel betrayed by me... so i HAVE to tell her... but i dont want to. a yr. and 5 months is a long ass time when yer in high school, and i know that she'll cry... and cry.... and cry.... and cry cry cry cry cry! how am i going to tell her? its going to suck... majorly. it really is.

me and josh are perfectly perfect... for now anyways... he wrote me a really long note today and i wrote him one back telling him how much i loved him... awww... man... sometimes i just absolutely LOVE being seventeen. its the perfect age.... 15 was kinda bumpy for me, and 16 i had to struggle with my bi-polarness... but now im all medicated and good and happy and so full of life! YAY! i think im going to go now before i make some people sick with my pure absolute happiness... lol...

x's n o's,

      jesika

i guess when people say that you never truly love something until it's gone, it's true. you lose a boyfriend that you were beginning to hate, and then you fall in love with him all over again. i guess i was one of th lucky ones, because josh came back to me. i never truly appreciated all the little things he did for me, and i never saw how good i had it. now i do. im so lucky to have found someone who can look at me when i look my absolute worst and still says, "baby, i love you so much." i love him. i swear i do. he listens when i talk, even though i cant ever get him to shut up. he says the stupidest things, but i love every clumsy word. i absolutely friggin love him.

i got a puppy tonight. i found him when me and josh were walkin to timmy's house to play xbox. he's so cute... even if he is a mutt. lol. i decided to name him jack... jack daniels is good, and he has the ears of a jack russell... so jack it is.

so today was good for the most part. theres something extremely fucked up about me n joshs relationship... i care about him, i really do... but its seems that everything he does irritates me in some way or another. seriously. its weird and i dont like it. i mean... everytime he talks, or doesnt talk... everytime he does something... its like im always finding some stoopid reason to get mad at him, but then when i decide to break up with him because things just arent going the way that they should, i cant do it... i start crying and realize that i love him... so if i love him so much, why am i doing the things  that im doing? its weird.

my best friend is in jail right now with her boyfriend, so i have no one to talk to about these things. maybe i can find some hope or guidance on this thingy. im not a bitch, and im not a bad girlfriend. i happen to be honest and faithful to my boyfriends, so why am i doing this? i dunno... maybe its not him that i love... maybe its just the idea of being in love.

im waiting for the boy who will be my best friend. who will drop anything to be with me at anytime of the day, no matter what the circumstances are. who makes me smile like no other and when he smiles ill know that he needs me. im waiting for the boy who will show me off to the world, even when im looking my worst. im waiting for the boy who will put me at the center of his universe, because he knows he'll be at the center of mine. he'll tell me im amazing and tickle me even when i tell him to stop. he'll hold my hand and tell me im beautiful. he'll tell me im the most amazing girl that he knows, and he'll actually mean it. he'll tell me stupid jokes, knowing that i'll laugh. he'll let me wear his clothes and do things to  make me smile. when i start to yell at him, he'll kiss me. kiss my forehead. kiss me in the rain. and lets me fall asleep in his arms. pink me up and swing me around, and give me piggy back rides. stay up all night on the phone for me, and leave unexpected notes in my locker. i want him to promise me that we'll be together forever... and i want him to mean it...

so this is my first post... i've had a mindsay account before, but i guess i got rid of it to go to xanga.com instead. but now i'm back... lol... i love this website... its so... "addictive"... i dunno, that could just be a matter of opinion. who knows

but anyways... lifes been going pretty damn good. im taking special classes so that i can potentially graduate earlier than everyone else. that would be nice. now im saving to buy my first car. growing up can be so fun, yet so scary all the same. i mean, i WANT the responsibility of doing things on my own, but at the same time, im terrified of "the real world."

mom doesnt even fuckin call me anymore. stoopid bitch. i hate her... well, not neccessarily er, but the things that she does to me. im supoosed to be her fucking kidd, but she dont treat me like it. i think thats all im gonne write for my first post.... not much more to say anyways... got drunk last night at brandon's... thats about it...